It started out a good week......

and then *sigh*. Maybe I'm too sensitive or maybe I'm just a sap. A baby on my Yahoo Preemie group (who happened to be born the same day as Kyle but 2007)passed away at 3 weeks old. I don't know the specifics but it hit me HARD just as any baby on the list that doesn't make it. Being thrust into the world of preemiehood sucks (to put it bluntly). You have all these dreams of the fairytale birth, bringing baby home and living happily ever after. When you have a preemie those fairy tales are crushed. I didn't get to bring a baby home with me (for 3 months anyways).

I got to sit in a hospital for 3 months till Kyle could grow big enough (I remember the thrill of a 4 gram weight gain and the terror of a 4 oz gain-usually meaning he was withholding fluid in his lungs)I remember the look of fear in my then 12 yr old step daughters eyes as I tried to hold it together one day when Kyle's sats kept drifitng lower and lower, luckily it was equipment failure.

Breathe on his own-After 9 weeks hanging out on CPAP I was beginning to think he would rather live at the hospital than go home with me.Thanks Prematurity. I remember one night shortly after Kyle came home-Joe was at a wake for a family member- Kyle was such a slow sloppy feeder (I had to double what formula was in his bottle because he would lose half of it to his bib)that after an hour with 2oz of formula I lost it, begging him to just eat and why didn't he "get it".

I feel for this mother (young mother, only 20)who had to make the (brave and selfless)decision to take her child off of life support and let him go peacefully in her arms. It could have been me. I am so thankful that I never had to make that decision. The impact of prematurity will always leave a raw spot in my heart. 4 years down the road, prematurity is still an issue for us and most likely will be for a LONG time. Kyle had Karate last night, he was doing some pretty strenuous stuff (for a 4 yr old) and after about 5 minutes he was wheezing and so out of breath that I could hear him all the way in the lobby. I have never had to carry his rescue inhaler with me but now I will. Kyle will go back to the school system for an OT (fine motor) evaluation and back to Children's for his 6 month check up with the Orthopedist-hopefully will be be able to discontinue the use of inserts in his shoes. I've learned not to get my hopes up though. Thanks Prematurity. Rant over, on to happier posts.